It Takes An Ocean Not To Break
by Cain
Summary: Ten years after graduating from Hollywood Arts, life isn't what anyone expected it to be. Jori, some Brina.
1. Prelude

**Author's Note:** Attempt 2 at a Victorious fanfic. This story takes place ten years after the gang have graduated. Sam & Cat will be disregarded as part of Cat's past because I've never watched it. A good amount of flashbacks to senior year are planned as well. As always, reviews are much appreciated!

Um, what else? Trigger warnings, I suppose. There will be a character death in this story—right below actually. Starting off on a happy note this time, I am. Drugs, maybe some mentions of self-harm. I don't even know exactly what will happen yet (suggestions welcome!), so there you have it. I don't do graphic sex scenes or smut, so I am going to avoid the M rating here as I do with all my fics. However, this fic, as all my fics, will feature a same-sex romance, so if you can't stomach Jori, turn around now. There will probably be some Brina as well. Perhaps mentions of Cabbie. Again, I'm not sure exactly. Title from the song "Terrible Love" by The National.

And a special thank you to Emma of jadeandtorimakeablog, dontyouwannadance, and freak-thefreak-out (WellWishes) for helping with my brainstorming future career paths for everyone.

**It Takes An Ocean Not To Break**

**Prelude **

The first thing he notices is the overwhelming emptiness in the house. The air was strangely cold for mid-July, but it wasn't the air conditioning. The darkness the filled the space was more than just the absence of light. It was palpable and heavy.

He could tell by the way her voice sounded on the phone that something was wrong, very wrong. And it took a fair bit to shake up Jade West so he was wary. But nothing could prepare Andre Harris for what he found in the living room.

Jade sat like a ghost on the edge of her coffee table. The phone was still in her hand. Her eyes were glued to the huge saltwater fish tank on the opposite end of the room. Behind her, on the couch, was her oldest friend (and one of his oldest too), Cat Valentine.

No words of welcome, no bouncing hugs, no giggles, none of the usual Cat greeting. Just her body, lying there on the sofa, empty.

"Paramedics will be here soon," Jade said, her voice barely more than a whisper.

Andre realized than that he hadn't moved beyond the threshold leading into the room and forced himself to enter it. He walked over to Cat, checking her pulse, just in case…

He sat down beside Jade on the coffee table.

"That fish there, you see it," she pointed across the room at the tank. "The bright orange one. It's a flame angel. He's killed three clownfish that I've put in. They aren't normally that aggressive. And the clowns don't even do anything. It seems like they try to stay away from him…"

"Jade-"

"But he hunts them down anyway. It's a 55 gallon tank. There's plenty of room. I don't know why he has to do that."

"Jade-"

She rose from her spot and walked over to the tank, not looking at him, definitely not looking at Cat. "You have Tori's number, right? You guys are still in touch?"

"Yeah," he replied, furrowing his brow. He and Tori talked on the phone fairly regularly, though it had been a few weeks since their last conversation. "Jade, what happened?"

She didn't answer him, her attention fixed on the fish tank.

He looked back over his shoulder. Cat's lips were blue and she had a look about her that he'd seen enough time to recognize now. The worst thing about Hollywood had proved to be how many times he saw that. Enough times to know it was too late for his friend. Another notch in heroin's belt.

He wanted to ask Jade if she had given it to Cat because he couldn't imagine why Cat would be using. Jade using didn't surprise him. It disappointed him. But it didn't surprise him. She had more success than any of them had after graduating. It had been ten years since they all left the brightly colored halls of Hollywood Arts and she had four Oscar nominations to her name and one win. The dreams of fame he and his friends had in high school had actually come true for Jade West. Theoretically, anyway. Happiness was something the girl clearly still hadn't found.

Cat had been moderately successful. She landed a role on a television show on the Dingo Channel. It was aimed at preteens and ran for four seasons. She did a couple teen flicks and romantic comedies and then that was that. Cat was a free spirit though and she didn't really dream of success the way the others did. She just enjoyed what she had when she had it. She was special that way. So why the drugs?

He wanted to stay calm. Jade had called him because he was one of her only friends. Quite possibly the only friend left. He knew she hadn't stayed in touch with Beck. They'd broken up on Valentine's Day senior year and didn't speak to each other the remainder of the time shared at Hollywood Arts. Beck was in L.A. for about a year before moving to New York. He'd had some luck there, but last Andre had heard, Beck was working as a bartender.

Robbie Shapiro lived down the street. He'd gone to college and ended up studying journalism. He pitched Robarazzi to E! and was making a living off of invading the personal lives of celebrities. Cat willingly gave him plenty of material and he never stopped carrying the torch for her, so he didn't ever embarrass her. But something scandalous connected to Jade West would be a goldmine for him and, as she was never that nice to him anyway, he hadn't had any moral qualms about sneaking around in her room, looking for something juicy to share with the public. She caught him though and sent him home with a black eye. As far as he knew, they hadn't spoken since and that had been four or five years ago.

Andre himself hadn't had much success in his career—at least not the sort of success he'd envisioned. He'd written a few successful jingles and he worked in a studio, but as far as his music getting out there for all the world to hear and adore? Not yet. Lately he'd been thinking of trying his hand at teaching music instead. He had gone to college for two years before dropping out to devote himself 100% to his music. He had some of the requirements out of the way. He could go back and get an education degree. It just fell so far short of the dream.

But then, Tori had moved on from performing altogether and she seemed happy when they talked. She and Robbie were the only two from the group to have completed college. And while Tori had starred in a few plays during her time at USC, she had joined the Peace Corps after graduating and taught English to kids somewhere down in South America for two years. When she came back, she went to work for a non-profit organization and she still worked for them today. It was strange for him still, to think of Tori Vega as anything other than a pop star. It was hard for him to imagine her not singing and he never had figured out what had made her stop so abruptly and change focus. Last he'd heard, Trina was doing fantastically well as an ad executive at a major marketing firm in New York. The thought of Trina being more successful than Tori seemed utterly unfathomable.

"I was out of the room for ten minutes, I think," she muttered suddenly, pulling him back to their dread present. "Maybe fifteen. And when I came back…"

"What, you just leave that shit lying on the table?" he tried not to sound angry. He could hear the sirens finally.

"No," she shook her head, turning to face him finally. "I didn't know it was there."

"Come on, Jade, you're going to have to do better than that," he growled in spite of his better efforts to keep his cool.

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She looked so tired, so spent. He shook his head, pushing any sympathy aside. She looked like a junkie and she did that to herself. And now she did it to Cat too.

"I didn't give it to her, not tonight," Jade explained, though her heart wasn't in her own defense. "I gave it to her once, a few months ago. She was…she was driving me nuts and I thought this would chill her out a bit and I was high so I didn't think… I didn't know she'd ever try it again."

"How many people try heroin just the once, Jade?"

"You think I wanted this? I left the room and when I came back, she'd shot up. What do you want me to do? She was always on me about how bad drugs were. It was months ago when I gave her some and she hadn't had it since, so I didn't think she'd do anything."

There was a knock at the door and when Jade didn't move, Andre got up to answer it. "That's the paramedics."

"I need Tori's phone number."

"Yeah, sure, I'll let you handle calling everyone for the funeral," he said bitterly before going to the door.

Alone in the room again with Cat, Jade looked over at her best friend, blinking back her tears. "I'm sorry, baby girl. You'll never know how sorry I am."


	2. An Endless Static Sea

**Author's Note: **Still setting some things up here, so I apologize for this relatively uneventful chapter. As usual, my chapter titles come from song titles and while this isn't a songfic, I do consider each song used to reflect the chapter. So it's a sort of soundtrack to the story, as it were. This chapter title comes from the song "Easy/Lucky/Free" by Bright Eyes.**  
**

**Chapter One: An Endless Static Sea**

Jade hadn't moved from her living room. Cat's body had been moved. They'd zipped her up in a black bag and carted her off while Jade and Andre spoke to the police. She followed Andre's lead on claiming that Cat must have brought her own supply. She was surprised that he went that way, assuming he'd want to punish her in any way possibly for this. She wanted to be punished for it. That she didn't have any more in the house at the time was pure luck since they brought in dogs and searched the place.

If Cat had been using this whole time, than surely it was because Jade had started her on it. And if it was a one-off, it was probably because she assumed Jade only liked her high. And as anti-drugs as Cat was when they came up in conversation, in reality she was impulsive and loved to try new things. If Jade had seemed extra irritable when she came over, maybe she assumed this would make her more likeable and they could hang out like she wanted. They didn't hang out that much anymore anyway. And when they did, Jade was always annoyed with her and didn't hesitate to inform her of that repeatedly. Cat just wanted to spend some time with her friend and if she thought this was the only way...

No matter how Jade looked at it, this was her fault in one way or another.

She continued to stare at her fish tank, watching her bully angelfish harass his tankmates, as she called her old friends with the numbers Andre had provided her. He at least had took on the task of calling Cat's parents. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before dialing the first number.

* * *

Beck answered the phone, expecting some disaster at the bar where he was assistant manager. Though he wasn't entirely sure how disastrous a Tuesday night could get. "What's up?"

"Hey."

"Hey," he replied. "Who is this?"

"It's Jade. Remember me? The girlfriend you could never keep happy."

"You hated being happy," he replied, smirking. "What's up? It's the middle of the night over there, isn't it?"

"Cat's dead."

"What?"

"Cat. Cat Valentine. She died."

"Oh my God, what happened?"

"Who the hell is calling this early in the morning?" a loud and familiar voice echoed through the phone. Jade cringed.

"Is that Trina Vega? What is she doing with you?"

"Um," Beck answered. "I ran into her last night. She came into the bar where I work and we...caught up."

"It's nearly six in the morning over there. What kind of _catching up_ did you do?" she asked pointedly.

"What happened to Cat?" he asked again.

Jade sighed. For a second there, she could take her mind off it. Only a second.

"Jade?"

"She OD'd on heroin."

"What? Since when has Cat-"

"The service will be sometime this weekend most likely. Just thought I'd let you know. I know you two still hung out sometimes, when she went to New York."

"Of course I'll be there," he responded.

"Bye."

"Bye," he hung up and turned his attention to Trina, laying next to him in the bed.

"Was that Jade West? Haven't seen her since high school. Other than in the movies. I still can't believe she managed to make it bigger than the rest of us."

"Cat's dead."

Trina's face fell.

* * *

Tori didn't answer her phone the first two times it rang. It was three in the morning and she didn't recognize the number, so assumed it was a mistake. Or worse, some new intern panicking over something that warranted no such reaction. When it rang a third time, she was about to throw it across the room, into her closet.

"Just answer it," her girlfriend, Holly, mumbled, shifting over and wrapping her arms around Tori's waste. "It might be an emergency."

"You always think everything is an emergency."

"Yeah, well, I'm a trauma surgeon. What do you expect?"

The phone continued to go off, blaring a static version of one of Tori's old favorite tunes._ Stop your staring at my- HEY Take a hint, take a hint!_

"Just answer it so I don't have to listen to the awful ringtone any longer," Holly buried her face in the back of Tori's next.

"Hey, I love this song," Tori frowned.

"I know you do, now answer the damn phone!"

"Ok, sheesh," she grabbed her Pearphone off the nightstand at last. "Hello?"

No reply came from the other end of the line, but she could hear someone breathing. "Hello?" she asked again.

"Tori?" the voice on the other end of the line was familiar, but she couldn't place it.

"Yes? Who is this? It's three in the morning, is everything OK?"

"Nothing is OK."

"Who is this?"

"It's Jade."

Tori's eyes widened. She hadn't spoken to Jade West since high school. "What's wrong?"

"It's Cat," Jade answered, her voice sounding hollow. "She's...she overdosed."

"Oh my God, is she OK?" Tori sat up.

"No. She-" Jade paused.

"Jade?"

"Funeral is this weekend. Not sure when exactly yet."

"What?" Tori couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Just get down here, Vega," Jade grumbled before abruptly hanging up.

"Is everything alright?" Holly asked, turning on the light on her bedside table.

"No, I...my friend Cat...you met her before, remember? Last year she visited for a weekend."

"Yeah, red hair, kind of spacy," Holly nodded.

"She's...she's dead. She overdosed," the tears started flowing freely at that point.

"Oh my God, Tori," she pulled her girlfriend closer. "I'm so sorry."

"I have to go down to L.A.," Tori mumbled into Holly's shoulder.

"Of course," she nodded. "Do you want me to come with you?"

Tori thought a moment. "You don't have to. It'll just be through the weekend. For the...service."

* * *

Jade dropped her phone to the floor and crossed her arms. A fix is what she wanted then, at that moment. Anything to dull her senses and make everything just...stop. And she hated herself for that. For wanting it, in spite of what had happened. She had a feeling, though, that she'd need some before the weekend was over.

She knelt down and picked up the phone and found another number. One that she'd been calling with increasing frequency over the last few months. His name was James. She didn't know his last name... or if James was even his real first name. She suspected it wasn't. She'd need to withdraw some cash before meeting him in their usual spot the following morning.


	3. How Deep the Bullet Lies

**Author's Note: **As usual, no beta, all mistakes are mine. I rarely even reread a chapter once I've written it, so, apologies. This chapter's song is "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo (originally by someone else, but I'm too lazy to look it up and Placebo's version is the one I had in mind.**  
**

**Chapter Two: How Deep the Bullet Lies  
**

The sunlight trickled through the trees, the shadows of leaves dancing across the priest's face as he talk about a girl he never knew. Andre's eyes were fixed on the casket in the ground beneath them. He'd helped carry it from the hearse, along with Beck, Robbie, Cat's brother, and two other guys he didn't know. He thought one of them might have been an old cast-mate of hers, but he wasn't sure and he didn't feel like asking. He didn't know most of the people there. Across the grave, Beck was stoic as ever, his hand on Trina's shoulder. She was sobbing, maybe over-dramatically, but only because Trina was always over-dramatic, there was nothing fake about it though. She'd always liked Cat and Cat had been the only one of them who was ever really nice to her. Next to then, Robbie was trying not cry, but failing miserably. Tori was standing beside him, also trying to keep her emotions in check and not really succeeding. Jade was nowhere to be seen.

Tori was watching the priest, but not really listening to him. She'd listened in the chapel when people who actually knew Cat talked about her, but he was talking about God's unknowable machinations and walking through the valley of the shadow of death and Tori was thinking about the last time the whole gang had been together. It was July then, too, ten years before. They'd taken Beck's RV to the beach one weekend, just days before Robbie would be moving for school (he'd insisted he needed a whole month to settle in before classes started) and Jade would be leaving to shoot a movie she had booked literally the day after graduation.

_Robbie was setting up Rex so he could fly a kite (oddly enough, Rex's favorite beach pastime),, Cat bouncing around trying to be helpful, while the boys waited for them so they could play volleyball. Trina was nearby, attempting to flirt with some guys who were clearly not interested. And Tori was sitting in the sand, next to Jade. Not touching. It was very important that they not be touching. Jade had made that abundantly clear._

_"So you're leaving tomorrow?" she asked, absently tracing her fingers in the sand._

_"Yeah. We're shooting up in God-forsaken Canada," she grumbled. "Apparently it's cheaper."_

_"When will you be back?"_

_"What's it to you?"_

_"I was just wondering..."_

_"Look, Vega, I'm not your girlfriend. So we fucked a couple times. Get over it."_

_"I wasn't... I didn't ..."_

_"I just wanted to see what it was like, so if you thought I was into you or whatever... well, as we all know, I'm a really great actress."_

_That hurt and Tori pushed herself up from the ground. "I was just wondering how long your shoot was," she reiterated, trying to keep her voice from cracking as she walked away to wade in the water. Maybe cooling her feet would counteract the sudden burning in her skull._

And now Tori was standing over Cat's coffin, a handful of dirt clenched between her fingers for a moment before she tossed it down into the grave. "Goodbye."

It was when the crowd started to move back down the hill, toward the space next to the chapel where the wake would be held, that Tori noticed Jade, leaning against a tree several yards away from the grave. She hesitated a moment, knowing Andre and the others were waiting for her so they could all head to her mother's house and have their own wake there, away from these random Hollywood friends and Cat's never-present family and even paparazzi waiting at the edge of the cemetery, but decided against her better judgement to talk to Jade.

"How are you holding up?" Tori asked as she approached the other woman.

Jade didn't say anything. She wasn't really holding up.

"It was...a nice service," Tori offered lamely. "Why are you standing over here?"

"No one wants me over there."

"That's crazy, you and Cat were best friends," Tori replied, turning and gesturing for Jade to follow. "Come on. Some of us are heading back to my mom's place."

Jade scoffed. "Andre doesn't want me there. Robbie doesn't. I don't really want to be around Trina. I can't imagine you want anything to do with me. And Beck... maybe he could tolerate me, but he wouldn't really want me there either. You all want to sit around and talk about Cat and I... don't belong there."

"I got over you being a raging gank to me a long time ago," Tori explained, though it wasn't entirely true. "And Trina isn't as bad as she used to be. And of course you belong with us."

"No, I don't," she shook her head. "Just ask Andre, since apparently he hasn't filled you in yet. But trust me, none of you want me there."

"Jade-"

"No."

"Fine," Tori through her hands up in submission. "I'll be in town for a few days. Come by if you want to talk. You've got my number. I think Beck will be around for a bit as well."

"Whatever."

"Bye, Jade." Tori turned and started heading down the hill to join the others.

Jade watched her make her way to the car and watched everyone climb in and drive off together. Everyone but her and Cat. She walked over to where Cat would be forevermore and she sat down, her feet dangling into the grave. She leaned over and grabbed a handful of dirt and showered it down on the casket. She couldn't bring herself to cry. She thought maybe she'd cried too much already. Maybe there were simply no tears left.

Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a pink and green friendship bracelet Cat had made for her the first year they met. They had been eight years old. Even then, Jade had thought friendship bracelets were lame. But she'd kept it anyway.

The tosses it into the grave and showered more earth down upon it.

* * *

Later that evening, after lots of happy Cat stories and trips down memory lane, Trina asked what had happened, exactly. Andre flew into a rage when retelling the story of that night and Robbie and Trina both joined him in his anger. Beck and Tori were shocked, but they were the only ones who didn't seem to really blame Jade for it, though neither of them stuck up for her in the moment either.

They were the last two up, sitting on the old red couch in the Vega living room. Andre and Robbie were crashing in the guest room, both too drunk to drive home, and Trina had retreated to her old bedroom.

"You should make sure Robbie doesn't go public with that story," Tori said, sipping from the last of her wine.

"Yeah," Beck agreed. "I've been trying to talk him out of slamming Jade for years though. And he loved Cat. I don't know if he's going to be willing to hold this back. It's not like he's considered a serious journalist or anything. Whatever he posts will be considered rumors, nothing more."

"I know, but this...this is a bad one, Beck. And Jade... I don't know. She would never...she's... it's not like she wanted this to happen. Robbie will make her sound like a killer and she isn't."

"I know," he nodded. "I'll talk to him in the morning. See if I can talk to Jade too, maybe hear it from her side. Wouldn't surprise me if she's using though and Cat... I just don't know. I saw her once in awhile, but we didn't really keep in touch. You, Andre, and Robbie are the only ones from school I've really kept in touch with. I just saw Cat on occasion. And Sinjin. I've kept in touch with him. We've gone to the Indy 500 a couple times."

"Sinjin? Was he there today?" Tori asked, recalling the odd, gangly boy who used to appear behind her and sniff her hair.

"No, he's out of the country. Some action movie shooting in Prague. He's in charge of special effects. I don't think he could swing it."

She nodded. "Sinjin's working in Prague, Cat's joined the ranks of Hollywood heroin casualties, Robbie is a paparazzi, Andre works in a studio, and Jade...Jade really made it, didn't she? So just you, me, and Trina gave up on the entertainment industry, huh?"

"I still do plays on occasion, but it wasn't paying the bills," he shrugged.

"Trina's doing very well though. You stick with that, you might be able to quit your day-job and be a trophy boyfriend, then you could focus on acting again," she raised her eye-brow suggestively.

He laughed. "She just came into the bar the other night. I hadn't seen her in... God, maybe since high school too? I don't know. She's just...I don't know. She seems different."

"She's found something she's actually good at," Tori replied. "I think that helped a lot."

"Yeah," he agreed. "What have you been doing?"

"I've been working for a non-profit in San Francisco. Raising money for educational programs for girls in third world countries, mostly."

"Cool," he nodded. "So...why'd you stop singing?"

She hesitated. "I felt like... if I wanted to do that, I'd have to change myself too much. Remember the Platinum Music Awards fiasco? I just realized that there were other things about me that really wouldn't fit into what America wants in a pop star. I chose being myself."

"And you're happy?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Sometimes?"

"I hear you," he sighed. "Believe me, I do."


	4. I Could Possibly Be Fading

**Author's Note: **It seems my story has come most unfortunately timed for Glee fans. :( Sorry guys. Also, apologies to those who were hoping for a faster paced fic, as this one is turning out to be a bit slower than I initially intended, partly because I'm uncertain where exactly I'm going with it. (Suggestions welcome, of course!) Title from Mazzy Star's "Into Dust".**  
**

**Chapter Three: I Could Possibly Be Fading  
**

It was nearly four in the morning by the time Tori made her way to her old bedroom. She'd spent nearly ten years of her life in that room, and then after high school, every time she came to L.A. she stayed there, and yet it never felt comfortable. Not like it used to.

The room had always been hers until it suddenly wasn't. Until it became a space she occupied only when she had nowhere else to go.

_She was yelling at Trina for "borrowing" her new shirt before she even got to wear it, when Gary, her father's partner on the force knocked on the door-frame._

_"Hello, girls."_

_Tori greeted him with half a nod and Trina threw an odd glare his way, distracting herself just enough for Tori to finally snatch the shirt back from her. "Trina! You got- what is this?" she sniffed the stain. "Mustard?"_

_"I was doing a rejuvenating facial soak and Gary here, startled me. He's the one you should be angry at."_

_"I can buy you a new shirt," Gary chuckled. "There's something else I came here to talk about with you two, actually."_

_"What?" Tori asked, sitting on the end of her bed, contemplating the yellow stain on her new shirt._

_"No," Trina replied, before Gary had a chance to say anything at all. "Go away."_

_"Trina!" Tori snapped at her. "Don't be rude!"_

_"Rude? Don't tell me you don't know what he's going to say?"_

_"What?" _

_"Listen, girls," Gary started again._

_"Where's Dad?" Trina asked pointedly._

_"He's... he's at a hotel."_

_"He's not supposed to be out of town this week," Tori chimed in, still more focused on her stained shirt._

_Gary shifted on his feet before crossing his arms. "Your father isn't going to be living here anymore."_

_"What?" Finally, Tori's attention was pulled from the shirt._

_"Get the hell out of here, Gary," Trina barked._

_"Calm down, Trina, let me explain-"_

_"Explain what? I don't need an explanation. I know what you've been doing. I don't-"_

_"Trina, sweetie," Holly Vega appeared in the doorway. "I know this is upsetting, but-"_

_"What's upsetting is that you couldn't even come tell us yourself. You had to send your fuck buddy here!"_

_"Trina!" Holly snapped. _

_"WHAT?" Tori sprang up from the bed. "You- you're...but..."_

_"Holly and I are in love," Gary declared. _

_"WHAT?" Tori exclaimed again._

_Trina grabbed Cuddle-Me-Cathy off the bed and hurled it at him. "Get out of here!"_

Tori sighed. She felt so stupid for not realizing what was going on sooner. Hell, Trina had figured it out long before. Tori was always more optimistic though. She supposed she didn't realize what was happening only because she didn't want it to be true.

She hadn't seen her father much after that day. He moved to Phoenix a month later, in February of Tori's senior year. At first she talked to him on the phone weekly, right up until she came out of the closet the following May, and then he abruptly stopped calling. And if she called him, he didn't pick up. Trina said something a few years back about him remarrying and having a child with his new wife. Trina had been invited to meet their half brother, Tori had not.

Gary and Holly were more accepting, if hardly embracing. Gary was prone to make inappropriate jokes and Holly expected that Tori not "flaunt it" or bring it up to other family members. Trina was the only one who flat-out didn't care. In fact, it seemed that Trina had known Tori was queer even before Tori knew.

Of her friends, Andre was the only one she'd told at that point. She told him before telling her parents. Jade was next to be told...or shown, rather, when after a few too many drinks at a party, when Tori was in a particularly bad mood and wallowing over her parents just-finalized divorce and Gary's smarmy jokes and her father not returning her calls and impending graduation with all of them soon-to-be scattered to the four winds and everything about to change, that she grabbed Jade by the hand and dragged her out into the backyard and kissed her and then ran away because she realized what she had done and was overcome with fear for her life and soul.

But Jade didn't hunt her down and flay her alive, as expected. She didn't say or do anything to Tori for a few days after. The kiss had hardly been private though and news of it spread like wildfire through the halls of HA and so Tori was, she felt, cornered into telling the rest of her friends that she was gay.

A week after, Jade managed to sneak into the Vega household after dark and make her way up to Tori's room and that was the first time they were together.

* * *

Lying prostrate on the couch where Cat had died, Jade felt like she was somehow sinking into the fabric. Her vision hazy, her head too clouded to think about anything, not even about the cold body that had lain there before her, she could maybe forget for a bit. That was the rub, after all. The forgetting. The relaxed feeling and the weight of sorrow replaced with nothingness, with a vacancy that could feel no pain because it was void unto itself. It was stupid. So terribly stupid. And she knew that, had always known that.

And yet, it didn't stop her the first time, years before, when it had been Tori that needed forgetting. And though she'd managed to stop briefly a few times, it never lasted. Happiness never came and so something else was needed in its place. Whatever. These were excuses. They were true, but still excuses. It was a mask, a shelter that protected you from nothing. Something to temporarily keep the storm inside at bay. Something that never really worked, but was really good at making you think it worked.

She was falling through all time and space and memory, hurling toward something she couldn't yet identify, with no way out and no will to stop and no more understanding of anything than she'd ever had.


	5. Paper in the Wind

**Author's Note: **Title from song "Love Song #1" by The White Buffalo.

**Chapter Four: Paper In the Wind  
**

"Look, Rob, don't do this," Beck said, leaning across the table, his voice low. They were having breakfast at a dodgy diner in Northridge and the last thing he needed was anyone overhearing their conversation. "I get that you're upset. We all are. We all loved Cat. Jade loved her too. She would never intentionally do anything-"

"It doesn't matter if it's intentional or not, she is responsible for this!" Robbie was putting all his strength into not crying.

"Jade's never been...pleasant," Trina chimed in from her place at Beck's side. "But even I know she would never want this. And I have even more reason than you to hate her, Robbie. So if I can overlook that, you should be able to as well."

"Why would you have a reason to hate Jade?" Beck asked, confused.

"Because of what she did to Tori back in high school," she replied easily, as though it were obvious, taking a sip from her coffee.

He shrugged. "I know she kind of picked on Tori, but that was just the way they were. Tori didn't let it get to her."

"Yeah, but the whole little...affair... if you could even call it that. Senior year. Remember? Jade broke her heart," Trina shoved a spoonful of eggs into her mouth. "Don't know what Tori saw in her in the first place, but I guess you could enlighten us on that, huh?" she nudged Beck with a wink. "Your taste has improved considerably."

"What are you talking about?" Robbie was completely lost.

"Affair? Between Tori and Jade?"

When she realized that they had no idea what she was talking about, Trina hesitated a moment. "Just kidding! Gosh, you guys are gullible."

"What? No, seriously, Trina. What happened?" Beck pressed, not believing her for a second.

* * *

"I don't get how you can defend her," Andre said, gulping two ibuprofen down with a glass of water. "I told you what I saw. And you know Jade-"

"That's why!" Tori interrupted. "I know her. And I know that she didn't mean for this to happen. So you guys need to stop acting like it was premeditated murder or something. This is ridiculous."

"She got Cat high to get her to shut up. I'm sure she pressured her into it. It's fucking heroin. It's never a one-time thing, that shit. I just... she's fine with Cat being around if it serves her needs, but then she gets fed up and forces her to shoot up?"

"That's not what happened, Andre," Tori argued, trying to stay calm and barely managing it. "Every time you tell it, you make it worse. You've known Jade longer than most of us-"

"And you've known her better than most of us, Tori. She uses people and when she's got what she wants, she doesn't care about them. You of all people should know that."

"You don't know what you're talking about," she answered, her voice low and uncharacteristically cold.

He knew he'd crossed a line. "I'm sorry, I didn't...I just don't understand how you can defend her."

"I just... I need to talk to her about this. I need to here it from her side."

"She's probably high right now."

"If she's addicted, then we should be helping her, Andre," Tori threw her hands up in exasperation. "How long has she been using? How long have you known about it? Have you ever even tried-"

"Of course I have! She doesn't listen to me. She never listened to Cat either. She doesn't listen to anyone."

"I need to talk to her."

"Good luck with that."

* * *

_Breathless and still burning, Tori waited the ordered five minutes after Jade left the janitor's closet before leaving herself._

_"Not a word, Vega," the green-eyed girl had commanded, her voice low and guarded. _

_Tori had nodded, thinking 'as you wish' like Wesley in The Princess Bride. _

_One night in her room and now this, up against the wall in the janitor's closet, and Tori's head was swimming with flowers and hand-holding and dancing at this year's Prome and long walks on the beach, watching the sunset, and..._

_"One must remove oneself from one's closet, Toro," the familiar voice of Sikowitz rattled from the other side of the door. "Or,_ the_ closet, I suppose. It's not_ your_ closet. Or is it?"_

_She opened the door, eyes wide, mortified._

_"What?" he asked, seeming genuinely surprised at her shock. "I need some props for class and thought the selection of tools for the cleaning of floors where students tread would be most perfect."_

_"How'd you know I was in here?"_

_"I saw you enter. Then I saw Jade leave. And you were still in here and I need my props."_

_"We were just talking-"_

_"What you teenagers do on your free time is none of my concern. Although I don't believe this is a free period for either of you, but since you aren't skipping my class, who am I to complain? Now, I need a mop!"  
_

_Tori hurried out past him._

* * *

"Hey, Tori, funny story," Trina's voice echoed through the phone. "So I might've spilled the beans a bit about your whole high school romance from hell..."

"What?" Tori was more annoyed than upset, though that would not have been the case ten years earlier. She pulled over to the side of the road in front of Jade's house.

"Well, I didn't realize Beck and Robbie didn't know about it. I mean, Andre knows, right?"

"You and Andre are the only ones who knew. At least, the only ones who knew from me. Why were you guys even talking about-"

"Beck and Robbie didn't even know you were gay. How could you not have told some of your best friends? If you counted Robbie as a bestie. Did you? He still kind of creeps me out, personally. Anyway, I don't really get how anyone could miss the gay factor with you, but boys aren't always the most observant."

"Trina-"

"I didn't give them the whole story. Not even sure if I know the whole story. Other than that Jade is a bitchy ice queen who used you and-"

"TRINA!"

"What?"

"Shut up."

"Rude."

"Whatever. You don't need to discuss my private life, past or present, with anyone. Ok?"

"I told them about Holly."

"Why?"

"Because I love Holly! Huge improvement on Jade. Even an improvement on that chick you dated for a couple years in college. Layla?"

"Leah," Tori replied. "Talk about your own love life. I know you love to do that."

"Speaking of, Beck is even more beautiful than he was in high school!"

Tori sighed and listened to Trina ramble on about Beck's fluffy hair and perfect abs for the next hour.

When she'd finally hung up, it took Tori another hour to gather up the courage to get out of the car and make her way up to the front door. Twenty more minutes passed before she managed to knock.


End file.
